29 July 2001, 11:47 GMT

It's summertime, and in offices around the Northern Hemisphere, Air Conditioning systems are working overtime to keep the workers happy. These tireless systems have only our comfort and happiness at heart.

But is that what's really going on..?

At The Rumour Mill, our trainee News Troll recently had an aircon system installed in his cave. He instantly complained that it "never reaches a comfortable temperature".

When questioned, an aircon company responded: "It's really okay, these things do have controls, you know. Have you tried manually changing the temperature on the thermostat?" This advice was duly followed, but it quickly became apparent that the controls had no effect whatsoever.

The Rumour Mill has now launched an investigation into aircon systems, and has uncovered a frightening truth: Air conditioning systems may be partaking in an insidious bid to terraform the World for middle-aged gardeners.

Even worse, there is a possibility that all aircon units in the World are actually linked by a semi-conscious entity that makes micro-adjustments to all such units, with the long-term goal of controlling the World's weather.

"Everyone hates these systems," one source told us. "You never hear anyone actually praising an office's aircon system. You never hear, 'This temperature is perfect. I can work comfortably, and notice I am neither too hot nor too cold.' Of course what really happens is that the aircon blasts out a persistent stream of cold (or hot) air, forcing the office employees to open all the windows and try to even out the temperatue."

Sounding increasingly worried, the source added, "That way, there's always a counter effect to any trend in the weather - warm front, cold front, whatever. Think about it - every office in the world is contributing to this counter effect."

A scientist added: "End result - globally homogenised weather. We project that within the next ten years, it doesn't matter where in the World you go, the temperature and experience will be 100% identical. We will have the McDonalds of weather systems on this planet."

He continued: "Frankly, I'm scared. There's a McFront rising, and it's going to mean slightly piquant mornings melding slowly into a mellow afternoon of gentle sunshine, blending gently into a light patter of evening rain that does wonders for the garden, then a soothingly calm night of moderate coolness and light cloud cover, but not too much to ever entirely obscure the gently radiating Moon. Then the next day, the same. That's it, you know? No variation, ever. I mean, doesn't this scare you? Me, I've filled several pairs of underpants this morning just thinking about it."

His concern had rubbed off on us, so we hurriedly visited a recent Star Trek convention to get some expert advice on whether it really is possible for an apparently unconnected set of mechano-electrical systems to join together in a global mesh and almost overnight form a semiconscious, quasi-malevolent sentient intelligence.

At the convention, an overweight man dressed as a Klingon responded: "Well, yeah, I mean you see this
sort of thing all the time. One time, I remember Kirk was facing this gigantic machine that was like so complex it had like taken on an intelligence all of its own. Awesome, Man!"

A Vulcan woman claiming to be descended from Kirstie Alley pitched in: "Yeah, and there was that other time, do you remember, their security officer was killed by a big lake of black goo. It turned out to have its own intelligence. So I mean yeah, you know, it definitely happens."

"I'm surprised we don't see this sort of thing happen more often," a large-breasted man added, between mouthfuls of his double-decker cheeseburger and large fries.

Elsewhere on the Web: Related Stories & Sites:

BetterAirConditioning.com
We have located this sinister web portal and believe it to be the nerve center of this increasingly scary world-transformation conspiracy.

BetterClimateControl.com
Or is it this one? We're not sure.

Star Trek Conventions Ring
That's a big lot of conventions.

Positronic Brain - PanzerDrak
We believe that one of these sinister silicon creatures' positronic brains may have been hooked up to the nerve center, and is controlling the entire operation. "Panzerdraks contain complex self-repair mechanisms which allow them to gain back 1d6 LF per combat round." Ohmygod these things are unstoppable!!

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